Control

I don't like it 

when I am reminded that I don't control the whole world.

Or even every aspect my life.  

Occasionally I am reminded.  

By Karma or the Universe.  Whatever you want to call it.  

I try to control a situation 

that I am not intended to control.  

I throw spells, intent, wishes, will power, energy and everything I've got.  

I use mundane means of control.  Facts, rules, regulations, manipulation.  

Anything in order to gain the upper hand.

  

And I find myself fighting a brick wall.  

And no matter what I try, 

it doesn't move.  

I obsess, cry, work harder than ever before 

to move that wall.  

But no matter how much I struggle, 

no matter how much I beg, it doesn't move.  

It is a wall that I cannot climb.  

There is no way around it.  It goes to infinity.  

I beat my fists against it.  I scream and lament over the situation.  

I ask, "Why, why, why?"  

And I am told, "Not now."  

"Not yet."  

"Soon."  

I need a time frame.  

I receive the word," Two".   

"Two what?  Seconds, minutes, weeks, years, decades?"

I receive the word, "two".  And that is all.  

I receive condolences and nothing more.  

Two.  

The ground crumbles around me, and I fall.  

I loose everything around me.  

And I fall and fall and fall.  

Until I hit the ground.  

It's dry, dusty, and dead.  

There is nothing.  

I can't look at anything but that ground.  

It consumes me.  

When all hope is lost, 

and I think that I will lie there forever…

a bit of grass sprouts.    

And soon there is grass all around.  

It's cool and soft.  It cushions my body, heart, and soul.  

I lay back and look at the sky.  

I see where I have been.  

It's a long climb back up.  

But it isn't as far as I once thought.  

I explore the land, and find a step.  

And each day there is another.  

I watch and wonder where it will lead.  

In a few months the stairs grow

up to that damned brick wall 

that beat me before.  

But I feel new strength and life in me 

where it was once barren.  

I know that I can climb the steps.  One at a time.  

And that is good enough for now.  

It isn't easy.  

But each step fills me with purpose and direction.  

Each step fills me with knowledge I didn't have before.  

It wasn't time.  

The universe wasn't ready for me 

yet.  

It is ready now.  

I reach that brick wall, 

and it's cracked and decayed.  

I can see light through the mortar.  

I hit my fist upon its cold façade, 

and the brick falls away.  

I can see vibrant light 

on the other side.  

And I know that no matter what I did, 

the universe wasn't ready.  

I see that now.  

Brick upon brick 

fall from my fist 

until I squeeze through. 

I feel like I'm in a dream.  

I have regained what I lost 

and more.  

It was a lesson, a test, the universe, karma.

It was a stepping stone to develop my soul.  

I needed this for the future.  

I needed to be stronger, wiser, 

and to know it would always be okay….

in the end.  

   

I see another brick wall ahead, 

but I am not rushing to it.  

I'm going to have patience this time, 

and know the universe will provide…when it is time.  

When it is ready.  

But it welcomes the energy of my intentions and spells. 

Once again. 

It may let me through without a fight this time, 

because I learned the lesson before me.

  

I do not control the universe,

but I can help shape it.  

I am not in control.  

I am only a cog in the vast beautiful machine.